But I like having hands....

Remember when you found out that Santa Claus wasn't real?

Wait, you didn't know? Gosh, my bad. I'll give you a moment.

Cried it out?

OK - let's get back to my point. Remember when you found out Santa wasn't real - like, maybe a few minutes ago...

Shocking discovery, right? One moment, life had a little bit of magic and sugar plum. The next, the joy was sucked down a well of malicious commercialism and lies.

I think our lives are filled with moments like this (cue Wonder Years theme song). A series of small realizations, subtle and seemingly innocuous until we look back and suddenly discover how much we've lost.

I had one of these moments a couple of days ago. Prepare yourselves, and check out this article.

Yeah - sorry to make you cry twice in one article, but I feel like I have to warn as many people about this as possible.

If you're like me (and if you're not, you should really consider trying it) you have a hard time paying full retail for all of your gaming needs. Let's be honest - our hobby is expensive and unforgiving.

Some gamers Ebay. Others resell. I, however, have a special friend named Chuck.

Chuck and I go way back. I met him while working at my friend's comic and game shop. Chuck is a big reader - he used to come in with stacks and stacks trade paperbacks. I knew Chuck was special when I saw how meticulously he read his books - while most folks would bend corners or pages with use, Chuck's books always look like no one had ever read them.

He is such a big comic fan that he sometimes buys two or three copies of each book. He really wants to support the publishers!

Chuck didn't really like my friend who owned the shop, since he would never pay more than a buck or two for each book, but me and Chuck really hit it off.

I could tell you some stories about all the mischief we've gotten into, but I won't bore you. Just watch Drew Barrymore's Never Been Kissed and you'll have a good idea.

Anyway, after a Chuck knew that he could trust me, he let me in on his "special business." Apparently, Chuck is really good at finding great deals on games. When I ask where he gets his stuff, he tells me that a lot of it just falls off trucks! He says he chases after them, trying to give it back but the trucks never even slow down.

I wish I was that lucky.

Anyway, he still sells the stuff to me for a special price. He says the only reason he makes me pay for it is because he has to feed his five kids and two and a half ex-wives.

Sometimes, too, he gets hardware like controllers and such that look like name brand stuff but are really just knock-offs. They work pretty much the same, but after I read that article, I'm not so sure.

I mean, I want to trust Chuck, but this is serious business! These things can blow my flippin' hands off!

To help me decide whether to trust Chuck, I called PlayStation Customer Service. Here's a record of that call:

Sony Rep: How may I help you?

Me: Yeah, I had a question about the fake exploding controllers.

Sony Rep: Certainly sir. What did you need to know?

Me: Does that really happen?

Sony Rep: Uh, yes, it does. There have been several reports. The authorities are looking into it. You should always buy your controllers from a reputable Sony retailer.

Me: How do I know for sure if they're reputable?

Sony Rep: Well, any of the major chains should be safe - they have contracts with Sony to distribute our genuine products. If they're a smaller, local retailer then you might have a problem. You'll want to verify the source of their product.

Me: Well, my guy finds stuff that falls off the back of your trucks. By the way, you should really tell your drivers to slow down - they're losing a lot of stuff.

Sony Rep: Um, pardon me sir? Where did you say you purchased your Sony products?

Me: Ahh, well, I usually pick him up out of the alley next to the plasma donation place. I buy what I need as I drive him over to public housing.

Sony Rep: ...

Me: Hello?

I won't bore you with the rest of the conversation. Let's just say that I've learned not buy stuff from my special friend, Chuck. The world, for me at least, just got a little less magical.

Read my next post, or the Sony legal department will threaten you with litigation if you don't reveal your sources. They'll hound you day and night until you can't take it anymore. I'm sorry, Chuck! You'll always be my special friend!

Why, Halo There

Welcome back. It's time for the first article in a semi-bi-annual series called, "What's up with the Halos?"

So...

What's up with the Halos?

Unless someone mailed you to Bolivia and you've been hiking through miles of treacherous rain forest to make it back home to your cat Mr. Finkleshucks, you've probably heard of a little game that came out last week called Halo: Reach.

I bought this game - and as it turns out, my purchase put the title over the $200 million mark in sells during its 24 hour launch period. This is the most money ever generated by a game launch.

So yeah, it's kind of a big deal.

What made Reach so popular? Was it the marketing machine that pumped out wave after wave of advertising and promotions? Was it the fact this will be the final Bungie-developed Halo game? Was it the buzz generated by the multi-player beta that's been running for months now?

Actually, no, it was something entirely different. And it makes my blood boil. BUBBLE BUBBLE BUBBLE!!!!!

A week ago today I was sitting at work with the familiar hype-tingle I sometimes get when a big game comes out. By this point, I had already decided to buy the game - when the hype-tingle tingles, there's no escaping. All that was left was to decide where to make my purchase.

Gamestop crossed my mind and I of course blacked out, waking up sometime later surrounded by bodies and destroyed property. About that time I caught glimpse of an ad from Best Buy, which told me I could get a $20 gift card for pre-ordering Reach.

It's against my religion to pre-order a game but nonetheless I was kind of shocked at such a good deal. I give you $60, you give me a game and $20 back? MADNESS! Still, I didn't have enough time to run by Best Buy. I shed a single tear at my misfortune and went on with life.

The next day, and I'm somewhat ashamed at mentioning this since it's so lame, I went to... Toy's R Us... and bought the game. This made me feel good, since I've got a lot of great memories of hitting up the Giraffe store as a kid and grabbing that slip of paper for the game I wanted, running to the front to give it to the creepy guy behind the glass.

To make it even better, for some reason they didn't have Reach on the floor, so I got to relive those memories! I tried to regale the young lady at the register with stories of my youth but as she slid her hand toward the panic button I got the hint to shut up.

Anyhoo, I got home and played the game, had a great time, yada yada yada... the end.

But not really! Why did Reach sell so much, why is my blood boiling (BUBBLE BUBBLE)?! Because the next day I went to Walmart and discovered that they too had a Reach promotion. They were giving away $20 gift cards as well!

Except there was no pre-ordering involved. You just bought the game and they handed you the goods.

My Vader-like shout of "NOOOOooooooOOOOoooooOo!!1!!" rocked shelves throughout the store. Man, I hate missing out on a good deal. :'-(

So, I wonder why Reach broke the records...you think it might have something to do with two of the worlds largest retailers giving free money away to buy it? I don't want to take anything away from such a great game but really?

Whatevs, I guess. Dear game retailers - please pay me to play games more often. Thanks!

Read my next post or the only pre-ordering perk you'll ever get is a swift kick in the pants. Swift as in a 67 mph brown rocket straight to the kiester. Squirt some tears, fancy!

Lol

Really? That was fast. Two weeks.

That's all it took before I STOPPED UPDATING THIS BLOG.

I thought I was going to do better. I thought I was going to make it happen. Nope.

I could cite various excuses (marriage, work promotion, call to active ministry) as to why I ultimately shoved Larghter under the rug. You probably don't care, though, so all I'll do is apologize.

"Loyal Fanbase - all two (maybe three!) of you - I'm sorry for not updating my blog. Can we pretend it didn't happen? Like, how I have to pretend that Obsidian didn't develop KOTOR 2 so I can be excited about Fallout: New Vegas? Really? Thanks!"

All right then. From now on, I shall always post on Monday and Friday. I may post on other days as well, but these shall be the go to days. At least two and a half times a month, my posts shall also be worth reading.

Also, this shall no longer be "just" a World of Warcraft blog. I know, I know - I'm shedding hours worth of fine World of Warcraft traditon (two posts, three?), but if I'm going to update this thing I need MOAR DOTZ!

I mean, a broader base of topical resources.

Will this work out? I hope so! I certainly enjoy writing self-indulgent fluff.

What can I say? I do it for the fans.

Read my next post, or I'll sign Obsidian to do your sequel. It'll be buggy and glitchy - and you won't get a light saber until hour eight. Also, the ending will involve a conversation with your grandma in a Wiccan costume.

Cataclysm for THE Cataclysm - PR synergy!

There's a lot of Cataclysm buzz flying around right now. Everyone wants to know one thing: When's the release date?

Most folks predict by the end of the year. Heck, there's even talk that we might have it by Blizzcon.

Gosh, I hope not. I, for one, appreciate hype over quality. I'm hoping for a slightly delayed release date.

Perk up your ears, Blizzard: I want to see Cataclysm drop on December 21, 2012.

Do I need to spell it out for you, Blizzard? Unless you've been living under a constipated hippopotamus, you know that the world is supposed to end on 12/21/2012.

And people believe it! Hey, they've got it on good authority - Mayans, the History Channel, New Age Gurus, self-proclaimed scientists and your local cult leaders have all voiced their support. I'm no Stompalina, but can you imagine the cross-promotion opportunities?

What's better than Mr. T shouting about "MOhawk, GAHNAEDS!" every six minutes while you're trying to watch Comedy Channel Presents? Mr. T shouting "Da SKY is FALLIN'!" that's what!

Visualize every major news network picking up the story - "The End might be coming next week, but millions of gamers around the world probably won't leave their mothers' basements to realize it..."

. . .

Of course, I suppose it IS a calculated risk. I'm not a Mayan History Channel producer local cult leader, but if a cataclysm DID occur during the Cataclysm launch, it might be the shortest video game debut in history.

Or at least until the Colonel Sanders guy reloads the Matrix again.

On the bright side, delaying Cataclysm that long might just give the developers enough time to put Path of the Titans back in. Just maybe.

Read my next post or John Cusack is gonna come sleep on your couch. Not cool, Grosse Point Blank John Cusack but awkward, boring Must Love Dogs John Cusack. He'll eat your chips. And drink your kool-aid.

What's a Larghter?

Wow, that last post was long!

You probably didn't read it, did you? I don't blame you - I wouldn't have read it either. Long is COMPLICATED.

That's why I'm going to make this post nice and tidy short. What's a Larghter, you ask? Good question. In a few years, it'll be a global phenomenon. But for now...

I'm a gamer. Like, a super-nerdy gamer. So much of a nerd gamer, in fact, that I play pen and paper RPGs.

If you don't know what those are, then you probably don't want to know. It might make you 7.3 percent nerdier than you already are. I won't abide that - we all need our dignity.

Stay with me, I'm going somewhere. When I started playing Wow two and a half years ago, I was running a Vampire: The Masquerade game. I named a player's sire Larghter, so when my 10-day trial Wow account asked me to name my newly created Warrior, the name Larghter was fresh on my mind. I gingerly typed the letters into the box and the rest is history.

How did I come up with the name? I have no idea - it has a french origin, in the made-up linguistics part of my mind. It also makes me think of butter.

Read my next post, or redneck repo men are going to mistake you for Eugene L. McMerret and spray burning streams of unmerciful pepper into your eyes when you resist their attempts to take your min-van.

Don't tell me I can't spell.

Here we go again.

What is this, my third attempt at writing a blog? Fourth? I've lost count.

You know why none of my previous blogs worked out? It's a 12 letter word - COMPLICATION. I've always thought that if I wanted to stand out amongst the other 11.5 million people playing World of Warcraft, then I needed to work hard to provide some insight that no one else has thought to put to digital paper. You know that type of mindset does?

It COMPLICATES things.

And I don't typically do complicated, unless I have to. So all my intricate and grandiose plans falter on the back of a man who doesn't want to spend three hours of his day thinking up a jingle to tingle Tommy Raiderguy's goose. Yeah, that's right - I get tired and quit, likely before I even get started.

Nonetheless, the allure is still there. I like writing. And I'm better at it than most kindergartners. I also love it when folks read what I write and like it too. In the words of so many others, "I want to be famous!"

Yeah, well that's probably not going to happen. Seven people visiting my blog twice a month would be nice too, though. I'll aim low.

And it's not going to be COMPLICATED. I'm not going to tell you how to min/max or gem or give my advice on how to be the best raider. Go to Tankspot or Rawrcast or Snazzy's Guide to Shadow Priest Hypochondriacs if you want that.

From this point on I'm a self-proclaimed wow humorist. I'm going to write snarky, self-indulgent clumps of words good only for the slight grin that may appear on your face whilst reading them. You might not like my humor - if you don't, just stop reading and go watch cartoons. I'm not going to be offended. Those animators do a lot of good work.

The way I see it, being a wow humorist is the most legitimate-sounding way of convincing folks I have something to say and it's worth their time to read it.

Best of all, it's not COMPLICATED. I just write what's going on in my head. Leave the research to Elitist Quirks and Ciderhum and Marmots, whatever the crap those are.

Fair warning: I'm probably going to write a bit of satire at some point (if this thing doesn't get too complicated). So if I tell you to go eat Irish babies or try out flying mounts in real life DON'T DO IT. Unless I'm there with a video camera to tape it.

That's all I got for now. I'll tell you what a Larghter is in the next post. If you're still reading, congratulations - you just might get your wings one day.

In my past blog attempts this is where I would try some cheesy sign-off, like "Cheers" or "Until next time." Frankly, thinking about doing that now makes me want to gargle kerosene with lit firecrackers.

My closing should serve two purposes: 1) Give you a sense of closure on the post and 2) Entice you to read my future posts.

Honestly, that sounds COMPLICATED. So instead, I'm just going to tell you what will happen to you if you don't read my next post.

Read my next post or you're going to get Chicken Pox. Twice. I don't care if you've already had them. In rare cases you can get'em again - I've got a friend suffering through the pox a second time right now. So come back or you'll get them again, and this time they'll be in your throat and eyelids. And you'll grow a beak! Scary stuff!

Is this thing on?

Testing...testing...?


Hello?


Hey, I think it works!